Ah. The time has come for a new blog post.
I'm sorry to my loyal readers that I have not posted in quite awhile. I've had a busy last few months including surgery but whatev. Enough with my excuses.
Todays post is about water parks. I know what you are thinking;
"Amanda, it is late november...why in the world are you thinking about water parks??"
Well...cause they are fugging disgusting. That is why.
I was listening to the radio while driving the other day and there was a commercial on for annual water park passes to a local attraction and got to thinking about all my fucked up experiences....
The earliest memory I have of a water park was probably 14 years ago. I was maybe 9 years old and went with my sisters, mother, aunt and cousins to a park on the eastern side of the state. I was standing outside the women's locker room waiting for someone when a woman came strutting out in a big purple one piece and waltzed right passed me. As a curious youngin' I remember turning to my mom and asking her
"Why does the lady have such hairy legs?"
My mom was horrified and told me not to stare and to look the other way.
Years later I came to the realization that that big purple people eater did not have hairy legs but she had pubic hair GROWING DOWN HER THIGHS.What the fuuuck. I'm traumatized. Every time I see a one piece my mind takes me back to that day. YUCK. Shave your shit you weirdo. Ain't no one wanna see that.
I have the same disdain for water parks as I do for public pools. The warm muggy half chemical half body odor smell that floods your nostrils when you walk into the building. The damp fungus covered floors, the weird yellow lighting. Eww, gives me shivers. Sick.
About 3 years after the pube experience I was in the midst of middle school when it was time for my mother to sign that life changing paper
"EMS PHYSICAL EDUCATION SWIM PROGRAM"
A part of me wanted to do it do. What 12 year old did't want to go swim in the middle of their school day?! But then a little part of me didn't. What 12 year old girl wants to change into a bathing suit in front of her classmates?? Not me!
But the day finally came. We of course got the speech from our teachers "Don't do this, don't do that, blah blah blah...Oh and no one is allowed to change in the toilet stalls, you must change quickly and quietly and line up outside the locker room as soon as possible"
Crap. There goes my game plan.
As I walked into the ladies room in my minnie mouse flip flops I turned the corner and saw what was left of "Senior Swim" aka Grannies butt fuckin' naked.
There was a traffic jam of preteen girls at the entrance all standing in shock of what they were witnessing.
Grandma showering, Grandma brushing her hair naked, grandma sitting down, BARE ass on the public bench, grandma LEANING DOWN.
We finally got shooed completely into the locker room and were told to change immediately. I wrapped myself awkwardly in a towel and one arm changed into my tankini and tried to look down at the floor the entire time to avoid seeing what I had walked into so innocently.
The next year I went to Palm Springs for Spring Break with my dad and sisters. One of the days we decided to go on adventure and we ended up at a local water park. We all split up at some point during the day. I went down a few slides. Took a trip down the "lazy river" then climbed a few flights of outdoor stairs. When I came to the top I realized this isn't just a simple slide. NO. This was the mother of all speed slides. "Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap. I can't turn around now! I'm already in line!" I was panicked and stuck. Turn around now and climb BACK DOWN all those stairs with people staring at me KNOWING I pussed out. No. F that. By this time I was the next in line. The cute older lifeguard kid was helping the sliders take their places at the top of the death shoot. I looked out over the rest of the park and then down the slide. Sat down in the rushing water and let him give me a starting shove.
At this point in time I was maybe 70 pounds. I zipped down the slide like a dart, barely touching the plastic beneath me. When I finally stopped at the bottom, I sat up wiped the hair out of my face,stood up picked my bathing suit out of my ass, went to the bathroom and gagged. It was that day I realized: I'm really afraid of heights.
One time I got a used band aid stuck to my foot in a locker room. Fuck that.
And finally. My last experience. The last straw, the final nail in the coffin, the straw that broke the camels back.
My 14th birthday. My twin sister and I decided we wanted to go to our local park and party like big bad 14 year olds. We each got to pick a friend to come with us. That morning we woke up to a drizzly 60 something June, Northwest day. That did't stop us though. We geared up and hopped in the car and rocked out to our new "Destiny's Child" CD the whole way there.
We of course we went on every slide and roller coaster about 18 times and ended up at the wave pool. It was so much fun. Bouncing like booies, hanging off inter tubes, waiting for the big waves to come so we could shriek like banshees.
I remember it all too clearly, like it was yesterday. I was treading water looking around and as if it was slow motion I saw it coming for me. Slowly, like a WWII battle ship. I tried. I really did. I tried so hard to swim away from it but it was too late. It hit me. A big, fat, fucking turd. Right in the shoulder, like a bullet. I screamed like hell and swam like a Bitch in "JAWS". This of course spread panic through the pool and it was an all out shit storm (pun not intended). I finally found my Mother and cried that I wanted to go home. Who the fuck would't want to go home? A TURD JUST BUMPED ME IN THE WAVE POOL.
And that my friends is why I HATE water parks.
I hope you enjoyed todays post. If you did, share it! Feel free to share my link. I love all positive feed back. I no longer have a Facebook page but if you have any blog topic suggestions email me or comment on my blog :)
Love to all.
<3 Amanda
